ok so, I am officailly screwed.

Theres been trouble with my bank account, and i am overdrawn now!

I still have softbank's money to come out, fuck knows how much that will even be!!
too expensive proberbly

I am minus £35 in the bank
along with £25 charges I am going to incure.

So after I have begged mummy to put money in my bank, I wont be able to take alot out at all!!

because if she puts £100 in

then thats £35 gone
£25 gone

and the rest, I need to leave for softbank really.

but, that leaves me with ... 800yen .
totally screwed.

im trying to sell my suju ticket, but it seems pretty hard to sell, because I dont know how to go about selling it to japanese people at such short notice.
fucking screwed

I guess, I can go up to people begging for tickets outside and ask them for money for the ticket? mehhh
im gutted

James keeps offering to send me money, but I dont want to owe him money really, I dont want to owe any friends money, but its getting to a stage where i might have to ask
Japan is so totally too expensive, transport kills me, and food isnt too bad, but it alll adds up!

blahhh, i hate my bank.

so
I have a live to go today
born/R指定/VanessA/己龍/Jewel/SKULL/xTRiPx/Dio

woooosh, my last bit of social life within the country, yey!

x

 So me and my friend went to kabukichou! ^^ 
it was pretty cool, and all the lights, and host boys was pretty swish. But one thing that scared me in this area, was the black guys. 

This isnt meant to sound racist at all, I have no problem with black people. But these pusher guys in kabukichou, were scary! They kept trying to force us into the club by pulling us, asking for our number and were we are going, come with them. and literally arguing with me when I say no. 

two of them, even tried to follow us. They waited around until we finished speaking to this guy, and then followed us! 

It was a creepy experience. 

We went to karaoke with some boys we met in kabukichou! That was ace. I love the booths here, they are really cool!!

Loads of people in kabukichou where fucking gorgeous, one guy in leoperd print pants made me squeal inside, i got butterflies just standing near him. For ages it was like spot the white people, because there was none! 

I cant wait for another all nighter in kabukichou haha!! 

Ayabie have just annouced another live, for the 24th july. So im pretty excited and want to buy a ticket asap, I just need to find someone to come with me!

Ok Ok, so time to brag about this amazing mucc encounter!

I went to taste of chaos last night, mucc being the 3rd band that played. They were amazing and it was really good show even if it was short. We waited for agesss til they came out but I only say miya and yukke outside. Waiting for yukke to get back made me miss my train so I waited for ann and we went to the after party.

I wasnt too sure if all the bands where going to be there, but surely enough after a few seconds I saw miya and got a picture with him. :]
I also saw all the other guys except satochi. I asked miya is satochi was here and he put his hands together and pretended to sleep and was like HE IS TIRED SLEEPY!

So it was fun I spoke to some of the other band too, horse the band's synth guy was amazing. He was so funny hah. Some of the shit he said on stage was like wtf?! Proper hollywood accent AMAZING
The funniest thing about this guy though is that he dances and looks like napoleon dynamite. No I cant take him seriously at all!


So, later on I saw miya again and since it was the 3rd thing I was shuving under him with a pen I was extremly apolagetic. I asked him if he wanted a drink and we had a little chat. Then he understood that I was going to buy his this drink and was like :O EHHHHHH ... smirnoff (H)
so as I waited for the drinks to come, he got a shot off the girl of.... jagermister
and signaled that it was for me. We clinked glasses and he laughed at my worst face pull in the world. I hate jagermister. As he was putting all his english coins back into his pocket and there was a plec in there which I GOT GIVEN

omg I was so happy. I had a little dance with horse the band and miya in a little circle of fun.

Told tatourou that his fans where scary (kowai)
and he though i was saying he was cute (kawaii)
where he was like .. oh why thank you
and i was like NO NO SCARY YOUR FANS ARE SCARY
this japanese girl was on the floor near tears grabbing his legs where he friends began to pull her off him, he kinda ran away after that

all in all
i wasnt drunk enough
i had a good time
and my throat and cold is significantly worse



so worth it

You know, why does it feel like life constantly kicking me in the face? It sometimes feels like everything is utterly shit and beyond repair, shattered and tainted, even though really in times of calm, I know it isn't. But these moods, I change. It's always something little. A comment that makes me starve for a few days. A comment that makes me gorge down 5000 calories as fast as possible. Maybe even a remark that makes me break down in tears, cursing under my breath. I'm so emotional when I'm alone, I don't hide from myself any more, I mean what is the point? I say I don't hide, but that isnt meant to imply that I am secure with myself, that is a totally different concept.

All of today has been fine, I've been out with friends came home and made myself some foood and went to watch skins as per usual. Then my mum turned it over and I went down to speak to her about turning it back because I was watching it. I was confronted with shouts of anger, which in my mind were over-dramatic and un-needed. She started shouting about how I should use my free view box which just refuses to work for me. She ignored me and started shouting and screaming at the top of her lungs. It totally got to me, this isn't what we are like. I sat in my bed and broke down into gushing tears. Why did she just have to treat me like that, insult me and scream over something so small. We had been fine and talking a little bit earlier, then her boyfriend walked in. I was ignored for his whining about a bite on his leg. My conversation was abandoned for his. Then the cival banter we were having turned into a screaming session which I am connecting to his presence.

He makes he so emotional sometimes, so over dramatic. It doesn't help the tension in the house is fierce as it is, this only makes it works. She 'loves' him, even though he is a good for nothing wanker who I despise with all my heart. This is the boyfriend she broke up with ages ago, close friends will understand my hate but lets break it down. Threatened my mum, beat her up, spread crap about her and slept with the woman across the road are to name a few reasons. Also the whole, drug user thing isnt exactly great either. I want him out of her life, not because I want to control who she dates but because subsequently whoever is in her life, is pushed into mine. Living with someone you hate is horrible. It's also not nice being woke up at 3am to shouting and arguing and also noises that sound like your mother is being hit in the next room. I will never forget when I was woke up at 6am and rushed in to see what the problem was to see her curled in a ball crying and APOLIGISING while he beat her blue. That, it plainly why I hate him and if he thinks I will ever forgive him, hes just even more stupid that I first believed.

So, I'm living in a very horrible place right now. Where he has control and she is sub-ordinate to him.

More tears with more self harm, and she wonders why I have to keep buying new sheets. "Why do you need new ones? Just wash the ones you have!!" ... so fucking stupid.

In a way I'm pretty angry at her for no noticing, but I suppose I hide it well. But really how could she not notice the 4 razor blades gone missing, the one I accidently left in the bathroom in a rush to get under my covers where she couldnt see the cuts. The stained sheets and scars. She either is stupid, or doesnt care and I dont know which.

So although I'm 18, I'm technically an adult right now so why do I strive for acceptence of them. At every opptunity when talking about parents I meantion as quick as possible, I hate my dad hes a wanker. Its true, he is. But still everytime I say those words I can't help but echo in my mind how much I wish he would call. How he would pay an interest and mean it this time, that it was genuine and not some sort of moral obligation to still speak to his oldest daughter. It always felt like coming to see me was something he had to do and not wanted to, so I always treated it that way.

Fuck it? There's worse out there, surely I know I have a sweet deal. My mum and I are fine most the time, we are close or used to be. Im unsure over what time span you need to be distant from someone to say you have grew apart. But she is generally there for me I suppose.
But still, I think that makes it hurt even more.

I needed a rant there is it. A mess of depressive self-pitying words.

Everythines full of shit. My life at the moment is balenced between too many pointless lessons, too many pointless conversations, too much restriction and far to many pills.

Its all too much fucking effort

I keep working away and keep dragging myself down, thinking when university comes thats when it will be worth it. Everything will look up. I start planning where I will stay, what I will study. Im planning my life before I plan my fucking week. Im juggling my calories and my sleeping tablets. Trying to gather the energy to talk sociological methodology. And for what? This dream life I have already planned out. Its all just a hope, a hope that when that day comes I will be the person I want to be

When I get there I will be so busy I wont even think about food, I will juggling this party and that party, going to this show and have plans here and plans there. Doing this essay and all the while having the time of my life. Waking up without a clue where I am, having troubles and then laughing then away. Meet people I will be close with the rest of my life and call them crying when times get hard for them to help me feel better.

but then I sit and think, thats not going to happen. It just wont. Im not like that now and I wont be like that then. It always catches up on me. I go here and there and drink this and that, a few weeks later. I turn into a recluse and the thought of even going out and holding a conversation with another human being seems like all too much fucking effort. I mean why should I either bother. I like my own company. But there are times when even my own thoughts start to piss me off. Im such a judgemental cow.

So here I am, dragging myself through shit, for this make beleive world of mine. I want to jet set of to tokyo, because thats where everything is going to be just great. Thats where I will be this upbeat happy go lucky young girl with no time to spare. Bullshit. I havent changed and I wont change, but still I keep hoping for it? Running for that fire exit to find out someone has locked the door and the fire is spreading in my direction. I wont escape. You cant escape yourself.
But I will never stop running, metaphorically obviously, because in truth Im slowing down. Running out of energy. Coming to a disaterous halt.

But fuck it, my emotions are like a rollarcoaster. Sometimes I wish I was fucked up enough to have a proper problem. Be diagonesed with some sort of problem, so i don't have to sit here and think to myself 'you miserable cow'
I have nothing to feel low about, I never do. I always bring it upon myself anyway. Sometimes I feel like I'm making the whole thing up, like I want to feel like shit because Id prefer that than nothing at all.

anyway, Im going to shut up. I only started writing to stop my fucking hunger pangs. Its not working. Im going to go eat my dinner early, and shuve some more sleeping pills down my neck and sleep. Its the only way to get on with shit recently.

My dad still hasnt even replied, what a fucking surprise. He's been ignoring my calls. I dont even want him for shit. I just want to be a kid that feels cared for. To think that I'm not just here, not just there. But that I'm wanted. With my mum dashing about, I never know if shes coming or going. She doesnt want to talk to me anymore and when I could try shes either too wasted, hung over or asleep to even bother. With my dad not even bothering to give a shit to reply to my texts or answer my calls, wheres the positivity in that. I just want to feel wanted sometimes you know? I always feel like a big major convience. Im there when its convient. When they feel like talking, they talk to me because its just convient. Well what happens when Im not there. What will they do then, will they cry and shake. Or will they just continue like any other day because convient people are easy to replace.

I hate this fucking reality. I flicker between my imagination and the real world, so full of fakeness and dissappointments. I wish my imagination was the real world, where I wouldnt have to live out this fake facade, so un-true and coping. Where misery doesnt even exsist and luck is on my side. Or even just having a reason to feel so hopeless would do me just fine. Searching for a reason to be like this is far more agonising than actual pain of having reasons. Its horrible to know you feel like total shit, feel like just crying and you think to yourself, why, fucking why are you like this. When you don't know the answer, that is true despair.

'We went to Alaska and we froze to death'

 I forgot the whole

"Suck My Dick" moment

oh phwar! 
PHWAR!! LOL

RUKI I WILL, PLEASE LET ME BACKSTAGE! 



(again privated next week)

 

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